Humbled

Just when I'm wrapped up in my own self-pity and self-absorption, I find out something that makes me feel like my problems aren't really THAT bad.

I think I am so used to my life rolling along smoothly that I forget or don't know what it is like to suffer REAL tragedies.
Stories that make your heart melt after the first paragraph.
Pictures that you wish you never saw.
Situations that have you crying in bed at night for weeks.

As most of my dedicated readers know and all of my friends from way back can attest, my life was tough as a kid and I went through some tough spells. Until I got my head together and decided to take control in my early twenties, I was headed toward disaster. Somehow, something inside of me decided that I wasn't going to let the events of my life define me and it was time to put on my big girl panties and OWN my life.

That's the key word, CONTROL. I have it. Over most things anyway, and when life throws things at me that I cannot control, it's tough. I'm spoiled when it comes to certain things because most people in my life allow me to take the reigns in most situations. I'm driven and stubborn and probably a nightmare for another dominant personality type person. Not that I'm shouting orders and forcing others to do things against their will, but I usually get my way. Friendly, nice, and moral people usually get what their way and I consider myself all of the above. (Not that I've been any or all of those my entire life, believe me!) Because friendly, nice, and moral people enjoy being around other friendly nice and moral people, it's easy to get sucked into the rainbows and sunshine. It's easy to try to block the harshness that reality can bring sometimes because that would mean, for awhile anyway, that you no longer fit in. Nobody knows what to say to the person that is going through a tough time, and it's awkward. for everyone.

I used to be a block it out, suck it up, and move on gal. I can't do it anymore. Since I've become a Mom I feel so many more things. I can't explain it. I rarely pull the "Mom" card, but since I've had Turner, I'm more in touch with my emotions and they are alot stronger than they used to be. I love harder, cry harder, and fight harder than I ever did before. I fear being alone alot more. I think about 'what can happen' and 'how will this have an effect' 300 times more than I used to. Maybe it's because being a parent forced me to become a more responsible adult and these are the things responsible adults think about.

I've been so caught up in how tough life has been over the last 8 weeks that I haven't opened my eyes to the lives around me.

Someone I've known for a long time just had a child their first child. He was born with a type of Downs Syndrome and you know what; they've got blogs and picture sites and postings all over about how proud they are to have their little boy. They go on and on about how fortunate they feel despite the obstacles their future holds. They named him "Will".

I spent alot of time tonight reading their story and looking at their pictures.

Sometimes things hit harder when they are put into words and photos. To me, it makes them more real. To see something vs. hearing it taps to another level of feelings; the level that I sometimes shut off and tune out because, seriously, I don't have the energy to feel every heartfelt story that comes my way. Nobody does.

The story of my friend and his wife and Will; it's humbling. and heart wrenching.

I'm done pouting about work, stress at home, and my recent miscarriage.

My life is good and it's easy(ish). I'm a lucky woman and I need to focus more on that.

I made this blog private because I was pissed off about the comments some readers left. At the time, I just didn't want to deal with people judging me. I'm ready to go public again. I think people can relate to what I have to say and I have a right to say what I want. I shouldn't have to hide. I'm public again and I'm staying that way.

Disclaimer: I do ask that if something I have to say bothers you to the extent that you think I am a horrible and unethical person, you have the freedom to send me hate mail. Once you've said what you feel you've had to say, stop reading my blog and find somewhere else to be an over-opinionated asshole. This way you won't continue to be offended and I won't have to keep deleting your comments and emails. Ka-peesh?