There is a part of me that stays hidden alot of the time.
I'm not sure hidden is exactly the right word.
Suppressed.
Yes, that's it. A part of me is suppressed.
I don't mind certain urges being forced to the back of my brain. I don't mind covering them up with Mommyhood, Wifehood, Sisterhood, etc.
I don't mind because those urges would mean I would have chosen a different path and wouldn't be here right now; present in my life, as it exists today.
When the time comes to step things up, I step it up. But when I feel pressured to do something, I want to do the opposite to back away from the pressure. I hate pressure. I fail under pressure 99% of the time.
I'm torn between moving out of my comfort zone to grow as a person or choosing to stay in my comfort zone because it's safe and secure and I know what to expect most of the time.
An opportunity has arrived for me. Without pressure.
Just a chance to excel. . .
but it may mean leaving other things behind.
This opportunity, if I choose to meet the challenge, will be very draining and time-consuming. It could also mean big things for my future.
My drive is huge, but it would burden my husband and mean more time away from my son. For months. Maybe a year.
I wish I could see if it would all be worth it. I wish I knew the outcome. I wish this decision was easier.
Ultimately, the decision is mine.
Opinions matter, but it is my life. Always has been. I have a say in what happens in my life. Our lives are only what we make of them, right?
Should I go for it, or do I play it safe? This one is all or nothing.
RANT
I'm scared of losing the closeness I have with husband.
I'm afraid of feeling guilty, like I'm choosing myself over my family's wants and needs. We are perfectly happy now, why am I so tempted to want more? Is it just human nature or is there more to it?
I'm scared of isolating myself and drifting away from my friends. It's easy for me to get lost in my own world. Sometimes too easy.
I fear how selfish I can be sometimes.
I'm scared of taking risks, but at the same time, I'm scared of leaving my life up to chance.
Man, this is tough.
"See that fella over there? He's 20 years old. In 10 years, he's got a chance to be a star. Now that fella over there, he's 20 years old too. In 10 years he's got a chance to be 30." - Casey Stengel
4 comments:
See my latest post. I have more to say, but I have to get ready for work. :)
That sounds like a tough decision. I don't have any advice, but if you ever need to talk, I would love to listen!
It's hard making a decision when there's other people to take into consideration. But you also need to think about what makes you happy. If you even need to talk, you know I'm always here! Sometimes talking stuff out helps.
I'm like you, and hate taking risks when I can be content with what I have for now.
Operative words: for now.
You know some of my back story, some things that are very personal that I don't blog about. Yeah, that. You can only imagine the decisions that were made or not made in respect to everything that was going on then.
Well, it was really hard for me to make decisions about that because I know I can be happy NOW, but what about ten years from now? Fifteen?
I don't ever want to regret something I didn't do, and good lord! do I live every day wondering if I will eventually regret not doing something when I could have but I didn't.
Sorry. I'm rambling.
Follow your heart.
Your son will respect you for it.
Your husband should too.
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