The past week has been a total nightmare, but I'm over the hard stuff and ready to move past it.
On Wednesday, I had a D and C and a Laparascopic surgery to remove my pregnancy that my body just wouldn't let go of. My stomach is still pretty sore and I'm having a little bit of bleeding, but the most painful part is waiting for my stomach and breasts to shrink back to their normal sizes. It's horrible to look pregnant and feel pregnant and in just a matter of an hour, not be pregnant anymore. I am also struggling with the hormone changes. Atleast when you are pregnant, your hormones gradually increase. Since the surgery, my levels are drastically dropping. This results in random crying and an overflow of other emotions that I can't control. Another difficult part of all of this is that no matter how exhausted I am or how I feel, I was having a hard time expressing myself. I am so concerned with upsetting or neglecting Turner that I was having to suppress my feelings. Tanner is also exhausted. On top of being my support system, he has been responsible for a majority of the parenting until I recover.
On Saturday, we decided to send Turner to Grandma's and hubby and I went out to dinner. I needed to get out of the house and out of my elastic-waist pants! The only time I left the house last week was to either take Turner to daycare in the morning or go for routine bloodwork. Fun, fun. Dinner was nice, but how deep of a conversation can you get into in the middle of Applebee's? The food was good and we were going to see a movie, but decided to go home instead. I wasn't feeling the greatest and we NEVER get to relax at home without the boy (unless he's napping). So we loaded up on chocolate and went home.
Once we were home, we got cozy on the couch and decided to watch Couples Retreat. I didn't make it 5 minutes into the movie and I busted into tears. Tanner puts the movie on pause and looks at me like I've completely lost my mind. I told him that I'm not sure why I was crying, just sometimes I feel overwhelmingly sad. I also told him that he hasn't shown any emotion about this entire ordeal and I feel like a wimp because I'm crying about it and he can just move on. He said he is sad about it, but he reacts to things differently. I wish he could be more open with his feelings sometimes. It would really help me. I know he is a strong person, but sometimes I need a little compassion from him. I wish I knew how he feels. Regardless, we talked a little about it and I felt better. We finished the flick and enjoyed the movie. After the long week, our crazy Saturday night without Turner ended at 10:30 p.m. and we got up a little after 6 a.m. to take advantage of having more lazy time at home before we went to pick up Turner. Sounds redundant, I know, but it made sense to us.
I'm back to work today and I'm actually glad. Staying busy is moving me past my in-house moping I was doing last week. I was starting to feel depressed and I honestly haven't felt that way in years. It scared me to have that dark cloud lingering over me again. I've learned that I need to be around others to feel better. Even if they are just co-workers sitting nearby, not saying a word. I find comfort in others. It's strange to say that since I used to pride myself as being a loner. Life has changed me so much in the past few years. The past few weeks. The past few days.
Just when I think I know me, I don't know me at all.
Just when I think I've got things figured out, it turns out I don't.
I don't think I ever will and I'm not only learning to accept it, I'm trying to be more open-minded about it.
Today is a new day and I'm feeling better being back in my routine. Tomorrow will be even better and things will be even better as time goes on.
"Time heals griefs and quarrels, for we change and are no longer the same persons."
- Blaise Pascal
4 comments:
I love you. And you can come over and we can cry for nothing, which is really crying for everything.
My grandfather always said that when a woman sheds a tear, she sheds it for the entire world. The older I get, the more I realize how right he was.
Jen, I can't even express how sorry I am for everything you went through, and continue to go through.
It's so weird how we change as we get older. And I think I've changed a bunch of times. I'm definitely a different person then I was a few years ago. Life has a funny way of doing that to us.
Hang in there. You have a great husband and friends who you can lean on through this time. You are not alone!
Oh Jen, I wish I could give you a giant, great big hug and make everything all better. I know what you mean about the emotional rollercoaster...I was on one for about 3 months while dealing with my lady business crap. I know that look of "what the hell are you crying about." I know Tanner is hurting too...I could hear it in his voice when he called. I think he is trying to be the rock that our parents raised us to be. I know deep down it is killing him. I hope that each day gets better for you and I am so glad that you are physically ok...the mental healing will come slowly but surely. I love you all so much. I wish things like this never had to happen. It is one of God's lessons that I just don't understand. Marcy would be a good person to talk to, she went through this too many times to count. Love you sis!
Jen - I know no words can help make the pain go away. You are such an amazing person and so strong! I think feelings are different for each person and I know exactly what you mean when you just wish you could get some feeling out of Tanner. Tim and I went through some stuff before and during my last pregnancy and he never acted upset or anything and I was a mess! I guess guys are just different than us girls! :)
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